I have to believe illness is the window to creativity, success and healing. I have to. And so I do.

I posted a video essay on IG here for this issue. Please listen to it there if you’re able. I’m posting a Part 2 video later today.

I had so many signs this week telling me to take care of myself. I heard them and I listened but also I didn’t do right by me. And today I paid the price.

I have to first apologize for being late with this issuance. It was supposed to go out this past Wednesday. I’ve been overwhelmed lately. Work has been overpowering in addition to the global pandemic and racial pandemic at the forefront of every news and social media outlet. I let it get away. I didn’t take care of myself this week as best I could when I thought a bubble bath with a vape pen would be an answer. But my body was carrying too much from the past week in its skin and bones and organs and mind. I couldn’t fall sleep till early morning hours. And that wreaks havoc on my body.

I couldn’t go to the beach with my crew and so I’m home, now able to write. That’s what’s good. I didn’t take enough self care so my body demanded it from me. That’s the long lesson my Crohn’s has been yelling for me to do and I’m getting better, much better, but I’m not great.

One of the many signs I received was an article I picked up titled Rest as Reparations. It speaks to using self care to treat trauma and the importance of self care for the black and brown community. I look towards them again for guidance, especially black trans women who do everything best. From health, to beauty, to community building, to self care. I hope America is more and more inspired to turn to the black and brown community for guidance.

It’s no coincidence that this tough week aligns with a couple weeks where my meditations have been much less regular. Meditation doesn’t solve your problems or heal you. But it is a window to listening to your body. You feel your body when you quiet and in your body is stored an insanely beautiful amount of knowledge and wisdom. When you meditate, you hear this knowledge and wisdom from your body directly and that gives you the ability to take action intelligently and forcefully when needed. It may tell you to take strong and fast action, or you may hear that you need to take no action. Meditation is anything but passive.

I’m very proud I caught myself here in this moment instead of still pushing myself and my body. Next week is a big one. Time for me to get back on my pillow consistently.

As my older sister expertly shared before, self care is not indulgence or saying ‘treat yo’self’. Self care is doing today what your body needs to thrive tomorrow.

I’m going to delay my Zoom on Jacolby Satterwhite at this time, though I’ve been drinking up so much of his inspiration today while home. I imagine it will come out in a new format. Can’t wait to see what comes.

Lastly, If you’re ever in doubt about how much self care may be too much, know that it’s near impossible to do too much self care. Naomi knows best. 😉

With (self) care,

“Start again.”
S.N. Goenka

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